School Avoidance: How to Re-Engage Bullied & Depressed Students

When students stop showing up, emotionally or physically, it’s rarely about laziness. School avoidance is often tied to anxiety, depression, or past experiences that make school feel overwhelming or unsafe.

In this episode of Learning Differently, hosts Lynna and Mike speak with Dr. Elizabeth Laugeson about why some students shut down and how we can help them re-engage. You’ll learn what to look for, how to respond with empathy, and what kinds of school environments support emotional recovery.

Rethinking School Avoidance: More Than Skipping Class

When a student stops showing up (physically or emotionally) it’s easy to assume they’re being defiant, unmotivated, or just “don’t like school.” But most of the time, school avoidance isn’t a choice. It’s a stress response.

Anxiety and depression are common drivers, but even those aren’t one-size-fits-all. For some students, it’s separation anxiety. For others, it’s the fear of being called on in class, embarrassment around performance, or the social overwhelm of navigating peers. Social anxiety alone can make simply walking through the hallway feel unbearable.

But one of the most overlooked—and most common—reasons students refuse school is bullying. Research suggests that anywhere from one in three to one in two students who avoid school are doing so because of bullying. And when a student’s refusal appears suddenly, up to 70% of those cases involve a bullying situation.

School avoidance isn’t laziness or indifference. It’s often fear, distress, or self-protection. When we shift our mindset from “won’t go” to “can’t go,” the path to re-engagement becomes much clearer.

How Educators and Parents Can Support Students Struggling With School Avoidance

When a child refuses school, many parents default to problem-solving mode: get them up, get them dressed, get them there. But forcing attendance without understanding the cause can make things worse. Before correcting the behavior, the first step is connection.

School avoidance is almost always rooted in distress: fear, overwhelm, or emotional pain. Instead of assuming defiance, start from the belief that something is hurting. Your goal isn’t to convince them to go back immediately—it’s to understand why they can’t.

Lead with empathy, not urgency.

Begin with calm, compassionate conversations. When a student says, “I don’t want to go,” resist the impulse to argue. Instead, mirror back what you hear. Simple reflection like, “It sounds like going to school feels really hard right now,” helps kids feel seen and safe enough to open up. Without that sense of being heard, they’re unlikely to share what’s really going on.

Ask with curiosity, not judgment.

Avoid loaded questions like “What’s wrong?” or “Why won’t you just go?” Try gentle observations instead:

“I’ve noticed you’ve been getting a lot of headaches before school.”

“Last year you didn’t feel this way. Has something changed?”

“What’s the hardest part of your day once you’re there?”

These kinds of prompts open doors without shame or pressure. Keep the tone exploratory and collaborative: “Let’s figure this out together.”

Create ongoing conversations, not one-time interrogations.

Kids often can’t immediately explain the cause even when bullying, anxiety, or fear is involved. It may take multiple small conversations, built on trust and patience, to get to the root. Dinner table check-ins, car rides, or downtime chats work better than high-stakes moments at 7 a.m.

When adults slow down, listen deeply, and approach avoidance with compassion instead of correction, students are far more likely to share what’s going on and let us help them take steps back toward school.

Common Myths About School Avoidance

Let’s clear up some common misconceptions about school avoidance and its impact on learning:

Myth 1: “They’re just being lazy or making excuses.”
In reality, school refusal is rarely about laziness. It’s often a mask for something deeper: fear, anxiety, overwhelm, or emotional distress. Dismissing it as a lack of effort overlooks what’s really going on beneath the surface.

Myth 2: “If bullying is the issue, kids just need to toughen up.”
Peer rejection and bullying are among the strongest predictors of depression and anxiety. Telling a struggling student to “be tougher” doesn’t build resilience. It invalidates their pain and ignores the harm being done.

Myth 3: “Depression always looks like sadness.”
Depression in kids and teens often shows up as irritability, anger, aggression, tantrums, or withdrawal… not just tears or low mood. Many students who appear “defiant” or “moody” are actually struggling internally.

Myth 4: “The best solution is to force them—just pull off the covers and get them in the car.”
Forcing a child into school without understanding the cause of their avoidance can worsen the problem. School refusal isn’t the root issue—it’s a symptom. If the underlying fear or pain isn’t addressed, pressure can intensify anxiety, erode trust, and make re-engagement even harder.

What Thriving Looks Like

When students who have avoided school begin to re-engage, it doesn’t always look like perfect attendance or a sudden attitude shift. Thriving often starts small and it’s rooted in safety, connection, and understanding.

Progress might look like:

• Showing up for part of the day instead of staying home entirely
• Talking openly about what’s hard instead of shutting down
• Trusting one adult enough to share what they’re experiencing
• Exploring solutions together rather than reacting with avoidance
• Rebuilding confidence in social situations or the classroom

Students thrive when the cause of their distress is addressed—not dismissed. When bullying is taken seriously, when anxiety is met with support, and when depression is recognized for what it is (not punished as defiance), students start to believe school can be a safe place again.

Thriving isn’t about perfection. It’s about helping students feel seen, protected, and capable so they can take steady steps back into learning and connection.

Take the Learning DNA Quiz

Every student experiences school avoidance differently, and each learner’s needs are unique. Our quick Learning DNA Quiz helps you identify your child’s strengths and challenges so you can provide the support that works best for them.

By understanding their individual profile, you’ll gain insights into how school avoidance may be affecting their learning, focus, and emotional regulation, and discover strategies to help them thrive at school and at home.

Take the quiz today to start building a plan that’s tailored to your child’s needs—and turn understanding into action.